First of all- I ask you to not reveal this blog, or mention this blog in any way on my original blog. I am Auntie Sissy- and my blog is very popular among family members and family friends. I want to keep them updated with our fertility related news, and with our current pregnancy.
But something is missing. My ability to vent about what can truly bother me sometimes. The unabashed truth about my marriage, my relationship with my family, and my feelings towards certain friends who can be very insensitive.
So I guess, this is my place to just SCREAM IT OUT LOUD. I have OCD, and can be very sensitive to people's attitudes and feelings... and sometimes obsess about it. Writing it out, and getting feedback can be very therapeutic.
Example one: My husband has Asperger's syndrome (very very mild), and can sometimes be a total oblivious moron to how to behave in social situations. This causes tension in my family who tend to be SOOOOOO JUDGMENTAL. All of this causes tension, and tension that sometimes I can not bear.
Example two: I do not feel accepted by some of my immediate family for the marriage I am in, and the way we run our lives. You could tell me to get over it, grow up... and that would not help. It is difficult when I come from a family who has made it clear- it should be their way, or the highway.
Example three: I hate it when people say they have the perfect marriage/perfect husband/perfect baby...etc etc.., because it makes me feel terrible about my own life.. I don't feel perfect. Should I feel perfect? Should we feel perfect? Should we appear perfect? Sex isn't perfect, making a baby is not perfect, cohabitating isn't perfect. What the fuck is perfect anyway? I hate the word perfect.
Example four: Not only do I have all the above stressors, but also the stress of feeling like every upcoming event in this pregnancy will be tainted with not being able to make everyone happy. By everyone, I mostly mean my Mother. My Mom has such a grip around my ability to accept my own choices and be OK with doing what I need to do. Thus far, every doctor appointment, and every big moment has been graced with the presence of somehow making someone mad. It makes me want to run away sometimes.
I love her with all my heart, and don't ever want to disappoint her or hurt her feelings, or make her mad... but it happens. A lot. And I fight it. It causes tension not only with her, but also in my marriage. My husband can not understand this type of relationship and he doesn't like seeing me hurt. But he fights against my family cause he thinks they are wrong...and can't see that this only makes it worse for ME. I feel like there are ropes tied to each arm, and I am being pulled apart.
This isn't to say that no one ever gets along. Sometimes there are moments where there is complete serenity amongst all of us. I cherish this, but also always have that trepidation that something bad is going to happen. Sissy can NEVER relax.
I realize I sound like I am 3 years old. But why lie about how I feel? Perhaps I will be able to overcome my own fears, and insecurities by writing it out. Who knows.
I also would like to end each post with a song or a quote. The songs/quotes most likely will not have anything to do with what I just wrote about...but it might just be something I want to share. Today, I will leave a music video. I find the video so fun to watch, and I love the song in general. Enjoy: